5 am

Something has to change.I need some resolve.This comes from a sense of purpose which is temporarily absent.I am getting old.It could be that new goals will restore my strength of will.I will contemplate my options and meanwhile try to be more like the cat : eat when I'm hungry and sleep when I'm tired.Or more accurately just sleep anywhere and most of the time.

diy

After fondly anticipating a saturday morning sleep-in  I woke at nine am.It may have been the dripping tap which broke through my wall of sleep : gentle but persistent -  like my mother on a campaign to change me - intermittent and varied, but inevitably and ultimately irresistible.
A few days ago I tried to stop the leaking.First I tried simply tightening the tap handles.Since that didn't help I wasn't able to be sure which tap was responsible.The water was cold but it was a slow leak so  the hot water tap would also produce cold drips.However the water was cold so I started with the cold tap.In the way that they do,the specific effective multi-faceted tool originally provided with the old-fashioned tap set had disappeared,so I commenced dismantling the cold tap with a wrench or adjustable spanner.After removing a surprising number of parts I reached an impasse : the only part I could unscrew resulted in  a frightening torrent of water.The shifting spanner was not designed to fit the other parts so I reassembled the tap, which,after a delay which briefly gave  me the false hope that my incompetent tinkering might have repaired the problem,resumed its relentless dripping,a little faster than before my intervention.
So I squeezed the handles tighter to no effect and then asked my wife to solve the tap problem : could she find the special tool or call a plumber.That was four days ago and the tap still drips.I haven't asked my wife what is happening because I have some primitive masculine reluctance to draw any
more attention to my shameful mechanical ineptitude.Although sleeping soundly ,if she were[a lonely remnant of the nearly lost English subjunctive mood] awake she would gladly tell me what is happening with the leaking tap and wonder to herself yet again about what is wrong with men.Or perhaps just this one.
I think I might go to the hardware store (or barn) and see if they have one of those special tap tools.I hope no one asks me what I am doing because they would quickly discover my unmanly ignorance of basic tap technology.Then they would give me that expression that wonders whether I would be wiser to leave this kind of thing to a real man who likes a beer and never ever thinks about the ancient grammatical moods of the English language.
In my defence I do sometimes like a beer.
Going back to my lost plans for a decadent morning in bed,I searched for a word to describe such behaviour,aside from lazy or unproductive,or maybe 'delicious',and found nothing quite fitting, so a new word or phrase was needed."Sleep-in" and"lie-in"have been used and Lazy Sunday Morning can be capitalized, but I was looking for something pithy and apposite. I entered 'sleep late' into the search engine but there was no result. A search for decadence realized the word sybaritic -  named for the legendary extravagance of the people of Sybaris ,a Greek colony in southern Italy which was founded by the ancient Achaian city of Helice (Eliki) which itself sank beneath the water in an unspecified natural disaster which may have initiated the myths of Atlantis.Perhaps there was an earthquake.Or, for all one knows, they were simply so immersed in dissolute days,wasted weekends and moral moratoriums that they never managed to fix their leaking taps.

3 am

Discussing marriage breakdown with my wife.She is mediating the separation of close relatives,trying to achieve an amicable settlement ; and it is emotionally exhausting for her.Bitterness constantly threatens to erupt .She patiently listens to an obsessive recitation of transgressions,private embarrassing details exposed like the poignant wreckage of a bomb blast.She worries especially about the consequences of divorce for the children .
She tells me  that after seeing all of this emotional turmoil she would now never divorce me-everybody just gets way too upset.I never thought she would, but it is sobering to realise that if your wife no longer loves you then there is not much you can do.All of your assets will be divided including your children.You will forever feel judged and found wanting.We should never stop working for our love,never lose respect.I think I am tired  and emotional.
It is 4 am.The timbers creak.There is the quiet electronic sound of the laptop and the steady breathing of my sleeping wife.I am awake.

tgif

A mixture of exhilaration and fatigue.Friday evening with no disasters and no one hating me.Warm inside,wet and cold outside.Fish for dinner I hope.
Just one last woman in labour,diabetic on insulin,previous caesarean section,blood pressure rising,not long  established in  labour since induction this morning.I started this so I should finish it but it is not my weekend on duty.Handed  over,but still involved,still to blame if there is a catastrophe.
My old professor used to say,"In obstetrics trouble comes from a clear blue sky," another version of "the watched pot never boils" : the other one does.As much as I would like to believe that, I might call the ward later tonight.

2 am again

Drove to the city for dinner with my son.He has a medical condition which does not define him.I would like to help but cannot.However he is good company,funny and quick,and the meal was enjoyable.I'm afraid that I am often inappropriate,intrusive and politically incorrect so my job as a father is on course.
Then the long drive home,this time in the rain, while trying to resist the  hypnotic effect of the road, the wine and the chronic lack of sleep.
Waiting until the tiredness is overpowering,as irresistible as a general anaesthetic,still unable to simply rest,despite early operating theatre in the morning.I really must change.Perhaps I might try meditation again.That voice keeps asking "who am I?"

next day

Waiting for an elderly patient to undress.She is not much older than me but morbidly obese with spinal problems.It is nearly ten years since her last Pap smear.Her reports suggest cervical cancer.I will take biopsies today and wait for results.
After examination: it looks like a cancer and she has been told that is likely .Her husband has just retired.They were hoping to travel,but will have to wait until this is resolved.As usual I feel guilty.

sleep

Awake I dream of sleep,yet I delay  until ..