nothing to nothing

Nothing. Drifting.
No.... something. Little. Sound?
Not important. Stay unconscious.
Still there. Something. Bad feeling. Climb. Against gravity. Through darkness. Pulling in my ......brain.
Phone. Not loud enough. Other phone. Sleep call. No escape.Squint. Dark. Reach over, unplug mobile, and answer.
Dress in sleep. Don't want to lose sleep. Maybe hang on to sleep. Maybe quiet delivery then home and sleep. Down stairs: concentrate, don't fall. Garage door loud. Lights on. Start car and drive out.
Empty road auto-pilot dream then hospital park, entry code, up bright light stairs. Maternity ward. Try to sneak in quietly. Midwives at desk look up, say nothing. Walk into gloomy labour room. Not my antenatal patient. Try to speak. Introduce myself with clumsy words.
Yes, hello, fucking get it out. Just get it out. It out. Out.
Pleeease.
Permission to examine. Fully in pelvis. Fully dilated. Direct OP. No epidural. Vacuum cup.
Get it out!
Please push.
I can't do it.
Please push. Baby's heartbeat is very slow. Please push.
Nnnnnngh ! I can't do it!
Push some more. Baby needs to come out now.
Nnnnnngghh !
More.
 No !
More.
No !
Push !
Do what the doctor says, dear. You can do it. Come on. Do your best.
No ! No ! Nnnnnngghh ! Nnnnnngghh ! No ! That's all !
Push ! Stop talking and push !
Glare. Nnnnnngghh !
That's it dear. It's coming down.You're nearly there.
I can't....nnnnnngghh ! I can't......nnnnnggh ! It hurts ! Nnnnnnggh !
The baby's coming out. It's coming out !
Ow, I'm fucking splitting ! It hurts....can't.....owwww !
Here's your baby, dear. Look at your baby. What have you got?
Is it all right? Is it OK? Why isn't he breathing? What's wrong ?
The baby's fine,dear. Lovely and pink. Why don't you see what you've got while the doctor helps the afterbirth out?
It's a boy ! It's a boy !
Would your partner like to cut the cord?
Just a few stitches and then it's all over dear. Just let the doctor fix you up. Look at your boy. What are you going to call him? Who do you think he looks like? Did you already know it was a boy?
Slip out. Raise hand silent hello and goodbye to midwives at desk. Down stairs. Car. Drive.
Wide awake. Adrenaline aftermath. Fine tremor. Drive into garage. Up stairs. Wife asleep.Dark.
Wide awake. Ears still ringing. Close eyes. Lay awake. Think of things. Try to relax. Lie still.
Wait.
Wait long time.
Still awake. Should I look at the clock? Do I need to get up soon? Don't look. Try to sleep.
Going to be a really busy day. Going to struggle with tiredness. How much sleep would I get from now?I wonder what time it is? Don't look.
Still awake.
Awake.
Maybe two hours?
Awake...sleepy.
Heavy head.
Tired...drifting.
Nothing.