an old girlfriend

An old girlfriend rang a few days ago to arrange a meeting while she is in the state visiting her numerous family for Christmas. We were together for nearly six years. She was attractive, intelligent, athletic and decent. It is legend in my family, since I am not a very private person, that she eventually told me that she wouldn't marry me if I was "the last person on earth". Poor girl. She made an exasperated statement many years ago as a young woman and it lives on in the wife and children of an old partner. But for me it was a humbling life experience which I needed and deserved. The experience demonstrated to me that I am not an attractive show pony but a work horse who is only valuable by a continuing contribution to the common good.

But bridges were mended, a new way of relating was developed to assuage my aching loss and her kindly pity. She is the godmother of my more troubled but very talented son. However I have not seen her for a few years, not even a picture. I don't know how age has treated her though I suspect, given her powerful determination, that it will be with some kindness. Which makes me wonder how I will be judged. Ridiculous that it should matter, that I should care what a relative stranger should think about me, but she is a messenger from my past, one of the few who can validly judge the life I have created both physically and morally.

I had such an arrogant belief in my destiny, sadly unsupported by an adequate work ethic. I would be the doctor who knew more, who cared more, the parent who understood their children the best, those beautiful confident quietly amazing children who would expand the greatness of my family. Children who would only eat healthy food, play regular sport, study without anxiety, and never watch television: in essence, correct my own failings. Actually, I have been very lucky with my children, but then I married well.

Am I thin enough?