waiting

Approaching four am again.Alone most of the day after the boys returned to the city and my younger daughter caught the train to a friend's house. Not ideal for a thirteen year old to travel unaccompanied but it is a short trip in daylight, on a country service, and she does have a black belt in one of the martial arts.
My wife is not coming home. She has been suffering headaches so she will stay a little longer.

I often think about how I fill the minutes of my day, how I would ideally like to spend my limited time. Am I afraid of the emptiness? Should I think more of the larger picture and let the infinite moments look after themselves? Perhaps I perceive the passing of time too poignantly if I am not occupied, reminding me too much of my mortality. Perhaps I am driven by a work ethic which is ultimately only useful for calming my anxiety. As an only child I should be resilient to episodes of inactivity and perhaps I am, but I am  just not sure if that is the best plan.

What would I do if I could do anything? I don't think money is a significant factor. I could own more stuff, drive a more expensive car, but that's not it. I could meet famous people but I would still have to live within the limited floorspace of my own head. In principle I feel that  I should be creating something useful, some new construction or knowledge, art or literature. Although... I have created a number of useful things(my children) which are making their  gradual way into the world and simply being available may be my most useful contribution to their continued development. It doesn't feel like I am doing something; just waiting isn't the best example of a life for a young person. I would like to retire to my own selfish pursuits but for now I will continue to do the same work, providing a kind of reliable stability while hoping that I will still be capable of intellectual and physical adventure when I am finally free.

Tomorrow I will wait as long as required until my daughter wants to be brought home.